Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be Me…..
These are the words to one of my favorite songs by Matchbox 20. I can’t tell you how many times since the first time I heard this song that I’ve thought “wow, that’s exactly how I feel”.
When it first came out our family was going through a tough time, my sister had had a son who wasn’t well & we were spending lots of time down at Primary Children’s Hospital, he later passed away at the age of 3 months, so you can see why I felt unwell.
Now here again in my life this song so fits… It seems like I’ve been losing myself for the last couple of months. I’ve said in prior posts that my memory has been in the crapper, but I think I finally figured out the reason. Lots of people keep telling me it comes with age, but I didn’t know any other soon to be 40 year olds who were missing as much “time” as I was. Then one day while at work, one of my co-workers was talking about an allergic reaction she was having to her cholesterol medication. She told me about the side effects she had found when researching online to see if her symptoms were an allergy. Jokingly, I asked if it created memory problems as well, because I had just started taking this medication right before Thanksgiving, which is when all my memory problems really started to happen (that I can remember..ha, ha). Surprisingly, it is one of the little known side effects, so I have removed that medication from my nightly intake.
I know I probably should have gone to my doctor and asked if he agreed, but I was too afraid he’d say I wasn’t one of the 1%. So I’m doing my own research & figure if I don’t notice a change in the next three months, then I’ll go back to him and start the medication again. I have to say after three weeks, I’m starting to feel not so cloudy. There was one other side effect that my husband thinks I’ve been having as well & that is a change in personality/ aggression. My usual half-full cup has been pretty empty lately & he’s been bearing the brunt of it. I don’t like how I feel or how I treat people, but it’s very hard to control. That too is starting to fade this last week or so, but not as quickly as I’d like. I don’t like all of the negative thoughts & feelings that I’ve been having. I don’t like looking back and seeing how I’ve treated some of my most loved family members & some of my least loved family members. Please know that I’m trying to change this & I apologize if you’ve been on the bad side of the receiving line!
One of my friends’ blogged about how you know what kind of person you truly are by how you treat those closest to you. I’ve thought about this a lot during the last week. I’ve always tried to be a good, kind, loving, generous, positive person; however, I can say that hasn’t been what’s coming out of me this last couple of months. I’ve turned into a shadow of person that I don’t want to be. I guess the good thing is that I realize I haven’t been perfect or very kind, so again I apologize and ask that you give me a chance to make things right. Please keep being patient with me and know that this ugly beast that has been hanging around, really isn’t me deep down inside. The better part is clawing its way back up, so keep an eye out!
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